I Survived the Trauma—Now What Do I Do About My Inner Bully?
Do you ever feel a wave of shame after speaking up? Are you afraid you’ll be punished for expressing your needs or making a mistake? Do you still hear words like “difficult,” “bad,” “stupid,” or “brat” echo in your mind—long after childhood? Maybe you avoid conflict, people-please to keep the peace, or physically shrink in the presence of your boss or angry people.
These may be the lasting effects of abusive relationships. Many survivors internalize the messages of their past, and long after the abuse ends, they continue to turn that judgment inward. I call this the inner bully.
What Does an Inner Bully Sound Like?
It might sound like a harsh inner critic or show up as perfectionism. It might look like chronic self-doubt or the need to constantly earn love and approval. It might whisper that you’re never good enough, not smart enough, not worthy of rest or kindness. You might catch yourself putting others on a pedestal while tearing yourself down.
In relationships, you may feel “less than”—like everyone else is more deserving, more capable, more lovable.
How Does the Inner Bully Develop?
I believe the inner bully forms in the context of abusive, critical, or neglectful relationships—especially in childhood. If a caregiver was physically, verbally, or sexually abusive, your nervous system learned that love was conditional and mistakes were dangerous. Over time, the external cruelty or control becomes an internal script.
Even decades later, it can shape who you’re drawn to and how you treat yourself. It may be why you end up in toxic relationships—or why you keep yourself out of relationships entirely. It may be why you are afraid to ask for a raise at work or go for that promotion.
How Do You Recognize It?
Start by noticing the signs:
A sudden flood of shame or guilt
Berating thoughts (“I’m so stupid,” “Why did I do that?”)
A familiar voice echoing the words of a parent, partner, or boss
Obsessive worry about making mistakes or being “too much”
Here’s a common example:
Let’s say you were a kid who got yelled at for losing your backpack. Your nervous system learned: Don’t lose anything—it’s not safe. Decades later, you misplace your phone and feel a rush of shame. You start berating yourself. Then someone gently says, “It’s okay. You’re not in trouble. We’ll figure it out.” That moment helps your nervous system learn something new: You’re not that scared child anymore.
What Can You Do About It?
Healing from your inner bully means:
Noticing when the critical voice shows up
Interrupting the pattern with compassion
Surrounding yourself with people who are kind, calm, and safe
Reparenting the parts of you that still live in fear
Each time someone offers kindness when you expect judgment—and each time you respond to yourself with gentleness instead of criticism—you begin to rewire your nervous system. Over time, the inner bully loses its power. You start to feel safer inside your own mind.
Mistakes become just that—mistakes. Not proof that you’re bad or broken.
And you begin to trust: I can be human and still be loved.
